Madison Ho Week 1: My Achilles Heel

Madison Ho Week 1: My Achilles Heel - 08/26 [9:19PM]

Cheeky smiles that dissolve into fits of giggles and a notorious lack of awareness when it comes to volume level are arguably my most notable traits. That has been the facet of myself other people have perceived for years—egregiously loud and wildly unfiltered in nature—and really, I find it hilarious. There is no doubt that I am, in fact, shameless; I would even go as far as to say that it is a source of pride, and I flaunt it proudly! After all, being loud is second nature to me. It always has been.

But just like how Achilles’ heel was his sole weakness, speaking Mandarin Chinese was mine. To this very day, there is still NOTHING more mortifying than speaking that accursed language. I dropped out of Chinese school in third grade on account of feeling my life force siphon out my body every time I was greeted with those matted floors and dim, flickering lights.

This isn’t to say I hate my heritage, but it was a point of ridicule that plagued my elementary and middle school years. My pronunciation and my limited vocabulary were made fun of—small comments here and there—but it festered inside my brain and occupied my every roaming thought. To put it bluntly, it sucked.

Now, there’s a saying that describes how people shift their demeanor based on the language they communicate in. For someone like me, that statement could not be any truer. When I speak in broken Mandarin, I’m not shouting myself hoarse like I am in English; on the contrary, my voice is barely above a whisper. My sentences are poorly constructed at best, and at worst, I defy all grammatical conventions by throwing English and Mandarin words into an atrocious concoction. Honestly speaking, I feel like two entirely different people who just happen to inhabit the same body.

Thankfully, hope is not all lost! I’m proud to say I have taken strides to get rid of that alienating feeling. Small, itty bitty baby steps—but steps nonetheless! As recent as this summer, I visited Taiwan and attended a Taiwanese summer camp, where I was forced to confront my biggest fear. Seriously, I even went up on a stage and recited a Chinese tongue twister!

Still, this isn’t something I accomplished on my own. More than anything, I credit my newfound achievements to the new friends I’ve made during my time at high school, who share in my struggle and encourage me to grow everyday. I couldn’t be more grateful to have them in my life.

To tie it off, allow me to end with a classic proverb by John Heywood: “Rome was not built in a day.” Similarly, my aversion to speaking Chinese will not disappear overnight. But as they say, slow and steady wins the race—and I’m not willing to throw in the metaphorical towel just yet!