Madison Ho Week 1: My Achilles Heel
Madison Ho Week 1: My Achilles Heel - 08/26 [9:19PM]
Cheeky smiles that dissolve into fits of giggles and a notorious lack of awareness when it comes to volume level are arguably my most notable traits. That has been the facet of myself other people have perceived for years—egregiously loud and wildly unfiltered in nature—and really, I find it hilarious. There is no doubt that I am, in fact, shameless; I would even go as far as to say that it is a source of pride, and I flaunt it proudly! After all, being loud is second nature to me. It always has been.
But just like how Achilles’ heel was his sole weakness, speaking Mandarin Chinese was mine. To this very day, there is still NOTHING more mortifying than speaking that accursed language. I dropped out of Chinese school in third grade on account of feeling my life force siphon out my body every time I was greeted with those matted floors and dim, flickering lights.
This isn’t to say I hate my heritage, but it was a point of ridicule that plagued my elementary and middle school years. My pronunciation and my limited vocabulary were made fun of—small comments here and there—but it festered inside my brain and occupied my every roaming thought. To put it bluntly, it sucked.
Now, there’s a saying that describes how people shift their demeanor based on the language they communicate in. For someone like me, that statement could not be any truer. When I speak in broken Mandarin, I’m not shouting myself hoarse like I am in English; on the contrary, my voice is barely above a whisper. My sentences are poorly constructed at best, and at worst, I defy all grammatical conventions by throwing English and Mandarin words into an atrocious concoction. Honestly speaking, I feel like two entirely different people who just happen to inhabit the same body.
Thankfully, hope is not all lost! I’m proud to say I have taken strides to get rid of that alienating feeling. Small, itty bitty baby steps—but steps nonetheless! As recent as this summer, I visited Taiwan and attended a Taiwanese summer camp, where I was forced to confront my biggest fear. Seriously, I even went up on a stage and recited a Chinese tongue twister!
I didn't know that Mandarin Chinese was such a hard language to speak. I like how you were able to face your fears when you were in Taiwan and recited a Chinese tongue twister. I feel like adversity such as the one you described is important for people to develop the ability to overcome.
ReplyDeleteAs someone with a very similar heritage and upbringing, I deeply relate and sympathize with the struggles that you point out when learning a language as difficult as Mandarin. I was also forced to attend Chinese school and was terribly self conscious, feeling as if I would get ostracized if I even mispronounced one word. I’m sorry that your early encounters with the language were unpleasant, but I can’t help but feel proud that you were able to face your fears and challenge yourself! It certainly is a daunting task to make yourself vulnerable to criticism, but as one of my loved ones has told me, exposure therapy really is a great first step to overcoming your insecurities. I’m sure you’ll conquer the adversities of Mandarin if you continue to be consistent and I can’t wait to hear about how much you improve!
ReplyDeleteThe Achilles’ heel comparison you made was distinct, as it captured the way that you can be confident and loud about most things while still having one singular thing that is your “bane.” It was especially illustrative of you to describe “Mandarin Madison” and “English Madison” to have contrasting personalities to the extent of which they could be considered as completely different people. The way that you decided to frame your trip to Taiwan as a step in overcoming your fear rather than an immediate fix made the story feel more realistic, especially the way that you confronted your fear by reciting a tongue twister on a stage (probably in front of a huge audience) which is really inspiring. My mother tongue is Gujarati, and although I am conversationally fluent, I hope that one day I will have the resilience (like you) to overcome my fear of learning to read and write.
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